Andrew J. Kingston

2005

Dope Cyclist

 

Andy

I’m worried about Neil.

Lillian
Neil?

Andy
Yes. You remember? Neil. I’m worried about him.

Jensen
Lil?

Lillian
He’s worried about Neil.

Jensen
Neil?

Andy
Yes. Neil. With the red lycra gut. Neil with the thinning hair, the carbon fibre frame and the, err, problems “at home”.

Lillian
Oh. Neil. He’s doing absolutely fine. Bit of saddle sore perhaps, but he’s keeping up a good pace….

Jensen
I didn’t know Neil had problems at home...

Lillian
He mentioned something about his wife. But anyway, Andy. You don’t have to worry. Neil’s fine, judging from the way he’s attacking the hill climbs.

​

And don’t call him fat.

 

Andy
Sorry. I wasn’t sure you knew who I was talking about.

Lillian
Neil. Of course I know Neil. Which reminds me Andy, and I know I’ve asked before, but…..

Andy
Yes?
 
Oh look. For heaven’s sake. If you’re going to ask me if I want any gels…...

 

Lillian 
Electrolytes?

 

Andy
I have some. In my water. Thank you.

 

Lillian
I bet they’re not Smishies.

 

Andy
I don’t know. I bought them online. I don’t think they’re top of the range…..

 

Lillian
Top of the range? Smishies are hardly top of the range.

 

Jensen
I don’t think he’s buying Lil. Best perhaps maybe to leave him to it. Let him 
go find Neil.

 

Lillian
-

 

Jensen
What?

 

Lillian
-

 

Andy
Where is he?

 

Lillian
Who, Neil?

 

Andy
Yes, of course Neil.

 

Lillian
Are you sure you don’t want any supplements? It’s a long way, Paris. You’ve done well so far, though God knows how without cleats. If you don’t get on with gels and if they usually go through you, you want to try the new generation. I’ve got loads of stuff; TripleWham, Generation 7, Lactic Ramrod, Bant Gels, Cycle Raymondo….. 

 

Andy
-

 

Jensen
Come on Andy man. Why are you so hung up on Neil?

 

Andy
I’m not “hung up”. I’m worried about him. I haven’t seen him on either of the last stops and he’s not here now.

 

Jensen
Jesus. Let it go. Forget trying to keep up with him. We're all just a bunch fat bastards from the office; he’s one of the quicker ones. Cool it won't you? If Laughing Boy wants to handle whatever shit he’s got going on and hoof down a load of Lactic Ramrod to get ahead…..

 

Lillian
Ok Jensen. Maybe e-nough?

 

Jensen
-

 

Lillian
Look, Andy. No need to worry about Neil. We’ve chatted a few times, and he -

 

Andy
He?
 
What? What’s the matter with you Lillian?

 

Lillian
-

 
Eng…..hr - ‘fpt#’

 

Jensen
What’s up Lil?

 

Lillian
-
 
No. Nothing.

 

Jensen
What are you looking up at?

 

Lillian
Nothing to see!

 

Jensen
-
 
Jesus!

 

Andy
What? 
 
What the hell is that?

 

Neil
Hello down there!
 
 
LATER
Andy 
So. Let me just go through this one more time, so I’ve got it right.

 

Jensen
She’s told you already. You can’t blame her. If Neil’s taken too many gels, that’s up to him. Neil’s choice, Nothing to do with Lillian.

 

Andy
Jensen. For the love of Christmas. I wasn’t talking to you.

 

Lillian
But Jensen’s nailed it. And if I knew he’d start fucking levitating, I’d never have let him buy that much stuff.

 

Andy
I can hardly think what Neil’s doing can be called ‘levitating - ‘

 

Jensen
Look. He’s coming back round.

 

Andy
- 

 

Neil
Hello again! 
 
Happy days. I’ve gone - now let me see - one hundred and thirty; sorry one hundred and thirty three miles today! Top ground speed 41.3 miles an hour. 

 

Andy 

- 

 

Neil
Top air speed; unknown!
 
Andy
Lillian; when’s he going to come down?
 
 
LATER
Neil
Lillian, when am I going to come down?
 
 
LATER STILL
Lillian
Hold on up there big guy!

Neil
I’m getting pretty tired. You can see everyone’s thinning hair when they take off their helmets, but I miss that feeling of walking on firm ground.

Jensen
Have you tried slowing down?

Neil
Yes. I can’t. And if I stop altogether, I’m going to crash.

Jensen
Maybe worth a go? The back-up team might have spare bikes.
Neil
Not with a carbon frame and Campagnola gears they won’t.

Andy
For Christ’s sake Neil.

Neil
-

Lillian
Neil. Can you at least drop down so I can get something up to you? I’d forgotten all about it, but I’ve got something which is meant to demetabolise by ninety-five per cent or something. Clinically tested on mice. It’s called Supple-done.

Neil
I’ll give it a try next time I come round. I need these circuits.

Jensen
Isn’t that an enema Lil?
 
 
A YEAR LATER
Neil
Thanks for coming round Andy.

Andy
Least I could do. I said I’d look out for you that night on the ferry and I’m not going back on my word. 
 
Lillian been round? Any more quack cures?

 

Neil

She has. But nothing’s worked yet.

​

Andy
Christ, you must be getting used to being up there. Can’t be helping the home and work life.

 

Neil
Funny you should mention that. There’s good news and bad on that very front.

 

Andy
Go on. Amaze me.

 

Neil
Well, first. Bad news. My work disability hasn’t come through. I’m over-abled, rather than dis-abled. My last sick pay came in last week.

 

Andy
And the good news?

 

Neil
Nelly came to see me the other day. My ex-wife. Bought one of the kids too; not sure which one. Either Darius or Chantelle. 
 
She wanted to see if there was any way of reconciling.

 

Andy
Right…..

 

Neil
“Right” nothing. She was trying to get her claws on what little left I’ve got. 

 

Andy
Oh.
 
So how’s that good news?

 

Neil
Well. Number one, I saw through it. Straight away. Number two - well, see for yourself.

 

Andy
See what for myself?

 

Neil
Look, just where that tree is. See what appears to be coming out of it? No; look at the branches, not the bloody trunk. 

 

Andy
Jeez; is that -

 

Lillian
Andy? Great to see you again!

 

Andy
Lillian?! What the hell?

 

Lillian
Oh come on, you can’t blame me.

 

Neil
-

 

Lillian
Jensen was such a complete pain in the backside. 
 
And since Neil took off and has done all those circuits, you’ve got to admit, he cuts a dash.

 

Neil
No more red lycra gut hanging over the waistband.

 

Andy
Well, I have to say, your new outfit looks good.

 

Lillian
Don’t you think the colours suit him?

 

Andy
They do.

 

Neil
-

 

Lillian
Well look, these thermals aren’t helping us much. I’m sorry Andy, I’m going to have to leave you boys to it.

 

Neil
Nah - Andy, I’m sorry too. I’m going to have to get out of this system as well. Besides, we need to get our evening’s Smishies. You come back soon, right?